I’m one of those people who has spent a lot of time thinking about childbirth. I suppose I’ve pictured it in a very specific way. My son’s birth was complicated and did not go as planned (as I suppose they never do). As a result, I’ve been running what I could have done differently to avoid an epidural through my head for the last 4.5 years.
This time I did EVERYTHING I could to prepare for a natural birth, even more so than last time. I interviewed 5 different providers before deciding on the midwife/OB/MFM combination. I started the Webster technique for breech babies around 25 weeks as it seemed these babies were as stubbornly breech as my son was (I have a lot of ultrasounds and have seen Baby B vertex once and never Baby A). I’ve been doing prenatal yoga, reading Ina May birth stories, etc etc etc. I’ve been looking for a doula to help be a labor coach this time.
Well, they’re still breech. Again. Last time DS was breech until we did an external version at 37 weeks. That’s of course impossible with twins.
This time I even consulted with the one OB in town who does vaginal birth deliveries to see what he said (he’s very good about telling you no if he doesn’t think it’s a good idea.) He said no. Not with twins. Schedule a c-section. Babies probably won’t turn this late because there are two.
I KNOW the most important thing is 2 healthy babies, so please hold those comments.
I can’t help being disappointed when it’s something that’s so important to me. Natural birth is something I feel so passionate about that I’ve thought about doing it for a living (doula), after all.
I chose my hospital for the great NICU and midwives, but their c-section procedures suck (for instance, after a quick glimpse of them babies are whisked to the nursery while I am sewed up. Could take 2 hours to see them again.) I don’t know how much I’ll be able to fight any of their procedures, though the midwives are willing to help me try.
I never wanted my babies to be born this way. I have this very primal need to see them come out of me and to hold and nurse them right away and let them know from the moment that they’re born that the world is a safe and good place. It’s not going to be like that.
I’ve GOT to get over this grieving and find the silver lining, but I can’t help feeling like this is one more notch in the belt of “it’s not supposed to be this way. FUIF.” (FUIF=Fuck You IF)
I do have good news. I’m feeling better than last week and have been able to do something other than lay in bed after work (by do something, I mean sit in a recliner, but still.) Whether I have a good day or a bad day seems to be determined by how much of the day I have to spend sitting upright and how much I’m able to recline and get baby B’s head out of my ribs. Even better news is that next Tuesday will be my last day of work until my maternity leave starts.
My friend just posted this quote from Buddha on Facebook:
“Learn to let go. That is the key to happiness.” ~ Buddha
I need to embrace that.
Seeking a Sibling 