Somebody jumped me in a dark alley

flipped me on my belly and took out years of pent up agression on me by pummeling my ass with their fists.

That’s what it feels like. I just didn’t gave this problem with the PIO last time. Maybe adding the Del Estrogen suspended in castor oil (aka rubber cement) pushed my bruised butt over the edge, I don’t know. I’ll deal with it, I suppose.

My boobs are killing me too.

Before you get all excited that it’s a “sign,” be aware that I’m on plenty of drugs that all mock pregnancy symptoms. Impossible to tell if any of it’s real.

It does present a dilemma. When I go down stairs my butt cheeks and boobs both kill. Which do I grab to support?

The progesterone makes me exhausted, so I’ve been napping with O when I can. He’s been napping in our bed with me, and it’s so cute watching him sleep.

I’m probably creating a monster letting him nap in our bed, but oh well. Today he wanted to nap on the stairs (?) or in the bathroom, and our bed sounded better than either of those.

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Not feeling it today

I’m 4dp5dFEt and just not feeling PG.

I’m trying to imagine how I’d deal with a BFN this time. I really think this is the end of the road for us. We have 5 great blasts left on ice but I just can’t see spending more money to put them back when clearly nothing is working. It’s like every penny I spend on IF is a penny I should be putting in my son’s college fund or something.

I really should go on BCP to manage my endo and avoid pain and a 3rd lap, so it’s not like I can just see what happens after this.

I just yesterday told someone to try to avoid getting upset until there was something to be upset about. Why can’t I take my own advice?

I can’t believe I have more than another week of this limbo. I just want to wake up when it’s over.

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Today felt SO different

Last year when I went in to my ET, I felt so CONFIDENT. So sure that it had to work because we were, after all, putting back a really awesome looking blast, and everything had just worked so well.

When the IVF failed, I was shocked and in utter disbelief. How could you go through all of this and not have it work? What the hell else did my body NEED to make it work?

So today just felt different. I know there’s a good 90% chance that this is our last shot. I know that I’ve done EVERYthing I can do to make it work (surgery, fat infusions, lost 20 lbs, you name it.) I know that it’s not in my control, which is why I think it feels so different. Last year I felt like we were MAKING it happen. This year I don’t feel like that’s possible anymore. I never like feeling out of control of my destiny. I’m a big planner.

Last year I was excited and happy the day of my FET. I took pictures. I joked with people. I was relaxed and confident.

This year there are no pictures. Fewer jokes.

This year I was terrified and nervous. I was up half the night. I felt like I could puke all morning (and drinking 40 oz of water in 10 minutes did not help that feeling). I cried on and off all morning. Dr. S shook my hand after the transfer, looked me in the eye and said “get pregnant.” I wanted to say thank you and so many other things, but I couldn’t speak. I think he could see that my eyes were welling up in tears and just held my hand for a minute while making eye contact, so I think he got what I was thinking, but that I couldn’t say it. He repeated the routine with my husband, who at least had the manners to say thank you.

So it’s out of my control now. I’m nervous, scared that this is the end of the road, and afraid that it won’t work. I’m excited, hoping and happy that we did it too, but I just can’t go back to confident and secure. Too much has happened. I don’t even think that a positive pregnancy test is going to get rid of nervous and scared. I’m 1 for 3 on pregnancies sticking anyway, so it’s going to take a lot to make me feel a little more relaxed.

So, on to the embies. The defrosted beautifully, according to the embryologist. There was no “frostbite,” and the one that is already hatching a bit (you can see the little protruding part on the big one–that’s good) was expanding nicely just in the hour between when he took this picture and when he looked at them again before transfer. He thinks they both looked great and that the remaining 5 that are still frozen still look good too. So all of that is really really good news. Dr. S said the transfer itself went perfect.

I don’t know why the quality of this picture is so much worse than the one last year. We joked that they took a picture and then thought, “hey, let’s use Photoshop to apply the denim filter. That will look cool!”

Oh, and I didn’t pee on anybody, so that’s always good 🙂 I HATE peeing after the ET. I feel like I’m flushing them right out.

So now we just wait! I’ll be staying as horizontal as possible and stress free as possible until mid-Monday. I’ll probably post to keep myself busy. Beta HCG bloodwork to test pregnancy hormone levels will determine the outcome in early July.

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Eggs in our last basket

This is it! The last shot! Two of these are going back (we’ll have new defrosted pictures after today.)

I feel like I’m going to puke… hopefully not on the doc. I am glad that Dr S is on duty this morning. He is generally pretty comforting.

I was up half the night, probably partially from nerves ad partially from medrol.

So we go in this morning, I give them some more blood, down 40 oz of water in 10 minutes, get acupuncture, get the 2 blasts transferred back (very fast process, but hard when they push an external u/s against your bursting bladder. Remember how I full on peed myself a few days ago? Let’s hope that doesn’t happen. It’s a serious concern.) Lay there for at least 15 minutes after the transfer, last time I only made it 10. this time I’m determined to make it 15-20. Then I get more acupuncture.

After that we come home and I try to stay as horizontal as possible until Monday morning.

Now I will go try not to throw up.. or wet myself….or anyone else… or sneeze or anything after they put my embies back in.

Stress free. Happy uterus. Peanut butter glue like lining that will trap embies and make them implant.

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I should know better…

than to curse myself by saying how well the PIO shots went last time.

I got my first one this morning and it hurt like a mofo, plus I’ve had a knot in my butt all day that feels like I got punched with some iron knuckles.

I take it all back. I have no system. Nothing works. PIO sucks.

Will that reverse the curse?

I treated myself to the next book in the Sookie Stackhouse vampire series for some light reading while I sit and get another intralipid infusion on Monday (the delayed ET means I have to do it again.)

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Double-Stuff Oreo=Lining a Go-go!

After injecting the rubber cement/Del Estrogen the other day and coasting to give my lining a chance to thicken up, I went in for a check today.

The ultrasound tech (who is someone I didn’t know–probably not a good sign as that means she’s not there as often and probably not the most experienced tech) was all ready to do my lining check (explaining the procedure to me, as if I didn’t know–how cute!) I mentioned that Dr. S said he was going to stop in and check himself, so she left again to get him.

This is a really important sidenote, I think. I tend to feel like a “nag” at the doctor’s office, and in the case of IF (or anything really), I think it’s important to put that aside. We’re not nagging. We’re advocating for ourselves and guaranteeing nothing gets missed. I’ve got a LOT invested in this, and the doctors make good money to answer my questions! It turns out, this was a VERY good thing today.

So Dr. S came in and watched while she did the measurements. The first thing he said was that it was definitely a triple pattern, which is good. He couldn’t tell 100% from the last picture, but live he was certain. I’d been reading some on lining this week and everybody seems to agree that triple pattern is more important than thick (but thick enough is important too) The first one she did was 6.7. My heart SANK. It was LESS! It was 7.4 on Wednesday!) WTF?

But he said he didn’t think she got the widest part and to do it again. “There’s a lot of emotion riding on this, you see,” he told her. So he pointed out where he wanted her to measure and had her do it 3 more times until he was satisfied….

Leading to a measurement of 8.2! Hooray!

I’m very glad I asked about him coming in because otherwise I would have been crushed and stressed instead of reassured and comfortable moving ahead.

So, I “triggered” (the hcg shot usually forces you to ovulate, but it also “crystalizes” (for want of a better word–nothing about hardening, just finishing) the lining in final preparation for ovulation. Of course, I’m not going to ovulate as I’m on Lupron to prevent that, but my body will think I did and make itself ready to accept an embryo (we hope!)

The hcg needle looked HUGE with the cap on, so I was looking away and trying not to look as my husband jabbed it into my stomach. He showed me after and pointed out that it was smaller. Um, you could have told me that BEFORE I tensed up and got worried about it! He said he didn’t want to talk about the needle and make it worse. I pointed out that discussions of “smaller” in relation to needles is always a good thing.

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Just realized

Tomorrow starts a week of two shots a day (my I touch corrected that to two shits a day, ha!)

I go in for a linig check tomorrow morning. If everything looks all thick and Oreo like (they look for a triple layer pattern, like an Oreo), I’ll get a “trigger” shot.

This is usually used to force, or trigger, a mature follicle to ovulate. In my case, since my ovaries are medically suppresed, I think it’s to fool my body into thinking it’s ovulating.

The next day start the dreaded IM PIO shots in the butt with the enormous horse needle (I’m not even joking. it turns out horses get progesterone shots too. I’ll have to find out why.)

Despite my trepidation (I literally developed some needle phobia during my IVF), the PIO wasn’t as bad as I had feared last year.

I have three guesses about why.

#1, I used progesterone in cottonseed oil, which is slightly more viscous than the usual sesame or olive oil and therefore slightly less likely to cause painful lumps caused by build up of oil. this time I’m using PI ethyl oleate, which us supposed to be even less irritating

Sidenote (aka suedeboot, thanks apple):
if you do a google search comparing pros and cons of PI various oils and ethyl oleate, you’ll run across some weird shit. Bodybuilding sites, mostly, with people mixin their own ‘roids. EW. I’ll talk schleim all day, but bodybuilders creep me out.

#2, I only did them for two weeks because I wasn’t pregnant, and they didn’t have time to do real damage.

#3 we had a system. I asked the ivf nurse to draw circles on my butt to indicate the area where we should aim. My nursing assistant/ husband then started a rotation. He’d switch cheeks every day, and within the circle he rotated around the clock. so first the center, then 12 o’clock, 3, 6, 9, 1, etc. that way we weren’t hitting close to the same spot for about 10 days.

I’ll ask for more circles tomorrow, so if you see me, you can picture my naked butt with a sharpie clock drawn on it.

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Day 1

In 90 minutes, it will be day 1, gulp!

I feel so different now than I did on CD1 of my IVF cycle, and I definitely feel different than I did 2+ years ago when we started TTC. Both of those times, I was quite confident it would all work.

Two years ago, I felt that way because I had no reason not to be. Ah the naïveté! I wish I could recapture that! I wish fertiles got how very lucky they are to have that.

Last year, I just didn’t see how it COULDNT work. Hello, they put a perfect 5AA blast in my ute! How could it not work?!?

This time I’m much more guarded. Much less doe-eyed and eager. Much less invested, even.

My treatment break made me realize how very screwed up I feel on hormones. I crave having energy to play with my son and husband. I can’t wait to have my real emotions back instead of this fake chemical roller coaster.

So if this works, I’ll be over the moon…well cautiously so as I’ll be terrified of losing another PG.

If it doesn’t, I think I’ll be ready to be done, physically, emotionally, and financially.

So with that mish mash of thoughts, I’m trying to figure out how much I want to share over the next couple months. I know I have 30+ hits a day, but most don’t comment, so I don’t know who you are (yes, that’s asking you to “come out” and let me know who I’m writing for.)

During my IVF and m/c, I had some VERY painful things said to me at what was probably the most sensitive and raw point in my life. Not on here, but places where, like here, I felt fairly insulated. The last thing I needed was drama to add to my already tumultuous life, and it was like rubbing hand sanitized in my wounds (thought if that after a papercut yesterday.)

I’ve thought about going blog silent for a month or so, but I like keeping track and reflecting on my emotions. I’m just not sure how much/ if I want to open up this time. Knowing that I have a 1 out of 3 track record with BFPs actually leading to babies, I’m not sure I want to run right out and announce it if I get one. Not because I don’t want to share or am ashamed to admit a miscarriage, clearly that’s not the case.

I’m afraid a BFP will result in dozens of “OMG! I’m so excited for you, squeeeee!!” I don’t want to get excited like that (see previous entries on being jaded and guarded).

Nor do I want to wallow in “OMG (clearly universal reply starter), I’m SOOOOO Sorry! HUGS!”

So readers, tell me who you are and whether you’d give a flying flip if you didn’t get to follow the FET blow by blow. (Yes, it involves blows. My RE beats me. That’s how I got these bruises on my belly!)

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First street drug

Well, it was a Rx drug, but I took it on the street.

Well, the car was on the street anyway 🙂

One of the stranger situations I’ve found myself in while doing fertility drugs is having to get shots in weird places. Weird places on my body, yes (3 inch needle in your ass is no fun.) When you take a shot every day at 7pm, there isn’t much flexibility with your schedule.

For the IVF cycle, it didn’t matter much because I was too sore to go anywhere. Now I feel fine.

So on our way to find out details about the 3-4 year old soccer league, we went out for Chinese food. We had 30 minutes to spare in between, so we stopped at my favorite used book store.

Afterward, we sat in the car, whipped out the needle, and did it right there in a car.

At least for this child, it wouldn’t be lying to say it was (partially) conceived in the back seat.

Except we were in the front.

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You know you’re a tensy bit emotional when…

you spend the morning sobbing over the injustice of the American immigration system and deforestation in the Amazon rain forest.

For an hour.

I should start a separate page on here to list all the things I’ve cried about.

Or I’ll just go watch this wedding video and cry some more. (It gets me EVERY.TIME.)

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