There’s this term “chemical pregnancy” that you see around the fertility boards. My midwife and RE have just said miscarriage. It’s a really early miscarriage and technically defined as a pregnancy that never gets far enough to see on an ultrasound (around 5.5 weeks, probably). This is my second. I made it about a week longer than the first.
The first was our second month trying the first time. I was sad, but not really pregnant long enough to feel too attached. I got a BFP at 10 and 11 DPO and then started getting negatives, so I went in to get my blood drawn and to find out if I needed a Rhogam shot for spotting. Found out the levels were dropping, got the Rhogam shot (for women who are O-), and it was all over quickly and with no intervention. At the time I was even relieved because it meant we could get pregnant. It was my 2nd month TTC, so I was sure it would happen again quickly. Sure enough, I got pregnant with Owen 3 months later.
This time it was somewhere around our 20th (ish) cycle of trying. Except we weren’t really trying. No medical intervention these days=not trying. The pregnancy test that said “pregnant” elated me. I really thought after the failed IVF I might never see it again. We’ve only got so many options left, after all. I was re arranging bedrooms in my mind upstairs to make room for a nursery. Even stopped by diaperswappers.com to see what newborn cloth diapers run these days to supplement my stash. I can’t even explain the excitement of it FINALLY happening.
That excitement lasted a day until I got the bloodwork back. When I got the results, I knew it was over, despite them wanting to come in for a 2nd test. The levels were just too low for as many DPO as I was. All of the progesterone they pumped into me over the course of a few days didn’t really matter because I started bleeding despite it. Then it all came CRASHING.BACK.DOWN. I had terrible nightmares and relived them every time I thought about it, every time I went to the bathroom.
The thing I don’t like about the term “chemical pregnancy” is that it in no way signifies a loss. This is my second and I can 100% say it feel like a major loss.
Now I don’t know what to think about our chances. Several friends I’ve told about it say, “see you CAN still get pregnant. It will happen again.” Part of me buys that. I even have a tiny bit of hope for these couple months of ignoring IF while we wait to start the Lupron for our FET (probably will start Lupron around January or February for a FET between April and July, depending on how long my body takes to go back to normal after the Lupron.) That part of me wonders if it would be worth refilling my progesterone prescription to support any miracle pregnancy that happens (which I wish I had been doing last month. I feel like it never had a shot.)
The biggest part of me is afraid to even hope. Because as I’ve explained before, hoping too much just makes me crash harder. That same skeptical part also thinks if it took 20 months to happen once, I don’t have 20 months of trying left in me for it to happen again. There a couple of reasons for this.
#1 is emotional. I can’t ride the roller coaster of emotions anymore. I have been an emotional wreck for the last year or so. It’s not fair to myself or my family, especially Owen.
#2 I don’t have 20 months. My endometriosis WILL come back. The surgery I had last February just removed what was already there (mostly grown in the 2 years since Owen, the surgeon thought, though I have no idea why he thinks that.) The RE said we basically have a year before it’s problematic fertility wise again. The pain and IBS-like symptoms haven’t been nearly as bad as pre-surgery when I’m not medicated, but it hasn’t been fun either. Just better compared to what it was before.
So today I went in to the RE because they wanted to make sure my beta levels were back down to zero. I’m not sure exactly why they do that. I suppose to make sure you’re not retaining any tissue. My only thought was that I didn’t want to go back to that place of torture for a long long time.
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