Getting increasingly nervous

One more month.

One more month of this new normal that is infertile me.

Once that month is over, I start Lupron Depot.

My “bad RE” at Kaiser was going to have me do 6 months of this without having definitively diagnosed me with endometriosis via a laparoscopy. Due to the extreme side effects and possible long-term consequences, I declined.

Now a little more than a year later, here I am again.

I’ll be starting it for 3 months instead of six, but it still makes me nervous.

The theory is that women with endometriosis often miss an enzyme (I think it’s an enzyme?) in their uterine lining called beta integrin 3. Lupron generally increases the presence of that lining, and it can help control implants outside the uterine cavity that may be screwing up hormone levels. It’s been a year since my lap, and I can feel that it’s back. Good old AF is getting NASTY again. My bowels are going nutso again.

Having read womens’ experiences with this, let me list a few of the less pleasant side effects I’ve read.

Depression (yes, I need MORE of this in my life.)
Mood swings (see above)
Weight gain–some 25 lbs in 3 months (awesome. So glad I’ve been working my butt off to lose weight lately. I was finally down to my “pre fertility treatment weight” but still could happily lose another 20)
Insomnia (yes, this sounds fun too.)
Night sweats/Hot flashes (this was one of the worst parts of the IVF drugs, so not looking forward to this either.)
Increased pain for the first few weeks b/c of surge of estrogen. (I already don’t have any days without pain, I need more?)
I won’t even get into the sexual side effects.

I just don’t want to. I miss being normal. I hate to think how this could effect my relationship with my husband, my son, my family. I don’t want to rip Owen’s head off for no reason. I don’t want to yell at him because I’m in a bad mood and he’s just being 3. I spent my whole life trying to avoid that.

I don’t want to lose control of myself.

I don’t want to lose myself.

One more month.

Maybe if I’m really nice to everybody for the next 30 days, they’ll forgive me the 90 after that.